did I make him flinch  
 when I held his face  
 like it meant something?  

was I too much  
 or not enough  
 for a man in uniform?  

maybe he wanted someone  
 quieter  
 straighter  
 someone who calls him sir  
 without laying with him  

did I ruin it  
 with my worries?  
 with how I said “stay”?  

was it the way  
 I loved  
 like I didn’t know  
 how to hide?  

did I look wrong  
 next to the badge?  

or did he already  
have someone  
 someone with a smile  
 they could show off  

someone  
his mother wouldn’t  
 have to lie about  

was I even  
 real to him?  
or just  
 a room he locked  
 after dark  

am I  
 just a name  
 he silences  
 when his phone  
 gets too loud?  

I still check  
 his socials  
 for clues  
that he might miss me  

but all I imagine  
are photos  
 of the sky    
 and of her